Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Plunging Into the Darkness

"The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise."

Plunging into the darkness....scariest 4 words of my life! The past 89 days have pushed me further and further from the setting sun and the pain is becoming deeper and deeper. March 8, 2012 my life changed forever.

My best friend/brother died.

I have struggled with how to express my emotions over this loss and I have come up empty. When someone suggested a blog I hated the idea. I hated the idea that people would be reading what I had to say, that they would somehow know what was going through my head. But I have exhausted all my other options. This blog will be my journey through my never ending process of healing and discovering God's grace anew each and every day.

I find that I encounter new obstacles constantly; my heartache over Patrick, learning to live my new life without him, struggling not to be mad at God, and dealing with those around me. Things that seemed easy before are now the biggest of challenges. Just 5 minutes ago my iTunes was on shuffle and a song came on that haunted me with memories of Patrick and myself and I was paralyzed for a full 2 minutes with pain. Nothing is easy now. Nothing.

I was happy just 3 months ago. I had everything. Then it all changed and there is no going back. The healing process is long and painful but I have to face the darkness so I can one day see a sunrise again...that is my one and only prayer for today and for the many months and years to come.

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