Holding Me Tightly

There are times when God just astounds me. This is one of those times. The other day I was reading in my prayer journal from last July (almost a year ago), and my ignorance astounded me. I had no idea what I was saying. I was so neive and whiny! I literally struggled with every small thing in my life until I had completely exhausted the topic. I didnt realize that my life was perfect, well as close as it could be. If I were God i would be so darn sick of me, I definitely was when reading it. But then i came across this entry from August 19, 2011. It is such a blessing to me now because it shows me how much my father loves me.

...I guess that shows me how content I am with the unknown. Not very! I want in all circumstances to bless Your name. Last night I tried to say, "do what you want with my family" but i could not bring myself to do it because I thought You were going to kill one of them, i know that sounds ridiculous. I was really struggling with the phrase"You give and You take away, may the name of the Lord be praised." I still am. I know it's not going to be easy but help me to be okay with that! I need you Lord....

then to the side it says...

You are strong enough. Your father holds you tightly.

The first time reading this I broke down into tears, but these were different tears than the past 90 days. These were tears knowing that I will get through this because my father is holding me tightly. The feeling of comfort was so foreign to me. God has been preparing me for that day, because "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). After the initial shock I started thinking about the side comment, "You are strong enough. Your father holds you tightly". Just even the fact that it was there is a mystery. It is not my handwriting, whatsoever. And no one reads my journal. Up until the moment I brought it out to read (I put it away for two and a half months after the accident because I could not bear the thought of writing out my prayers to God) it was shoved under papers and books. There is no way that someone would have found it unless looking. I asked everyone that it could have been and nobody had the slightest clue what I was talking about. After a while I came up with a conclusion, it's a God thing. 

Last year that would have been my first conclusion. But over the past year, especially over the past 3 months I have become pretty skeptical. I have run away from the signs long enough though. This outpouring of love from friends and family has been incredible, and all of the random signs like the one in my journal have pointed me to the obvious fact, my God loves me and he is holding me tightly. 

Plunging Into the Darkness

"The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise."

Plunging into the darkness....scariest 4 words of my life! The past 89 days have pushed me further and further from the setting sun and the pain is becoming deeper and deeper. March 8, 2012 my life changed forever.

My best friend/brother died.

I have struggled with how to express my emotions over this loss and I have come up empty. When someone suggested a blog I hated the idea. I hated the idea that people would be reading what I had to say, that they would somehow know what was going through my head. But I have exhausted all my other options. This blog will be my journey through my never ending process of healing and discovering God's grace anew each and every day.

I find that I encounter new obstacles constantly; my heartache over Patrick, learning to live my new life without him, struggling not to be mad at God, and dealing with those around me. Things that seemed easy before are now the biggest of challenges. Just 5 minutes ago my iTunes was on shuffle and a song came on that haunted me with memories of Patrick and myself and I was paralyzed for a full 2 minutes with pain. Nothing is easy now. Nothing.

I was happy just 3 months ago. I had everything. Then it all changed and there is no going back. The healing process is long and painful but I have to face the darkness so I can one day see a sunrise again...that is my one and only prayer for today and for the many months and years to come.